How to Talk So Your Spouse Will Listen
When things get tough and emotions run high, it’s easy to feel misunderstood, defensive, or hurt. Even the most healthy couples can struggle to approach sensitive topics without it escalating into an argument. The good news? There are ways you can create a calm and constructive space for meaningful conversations with your spouse.
Here are the top three ways to approach your spouse in a way that emphasizes understanding and connection rather than conflict.
Choosing the right time and place
Ever heard the phrase, “Timing is everything?” Well, it’s true. If you bring up a sensitive topic while your spouse is stressed, distracted, or tired, it will set the stage for miscommunication. Effective communication can sometimes be tricky; you don’t want to add stress, distractions, or exhaustion to the equation.
Choose a time when you’re both calm and free from distractions.
Example: Steer clear from starting a conversation about something sensitive after your spouse walks in the door right after work or dropping off the kids at practice and needing to have dinner ready in 30.
Extra Tip: You can set the tone! Start by asking, “ Is now a good time to talk? I want to share something important with you.” You will be sending all the right signals of respect for what’s going on in their world and invite collaboration instead of confrontation.
Use “I” instead of “You” statements
Read this carefully; the words you use MATTER. The words you use can open doors to connection or build walls of defensiveness. Remember this:
What is said. . .isn’t always what is received.
Starting a conversation by saying “You always” or “You never” is a surefire way to put someone on the defense. Instead, use an “I” statement to express what you need or how you feel without placing blame.
Here’s an example of what you could say to your spouse that would put them on the DEFENSE: “You never help around the house!”
Here’s an example of expressing what YOU NEED: “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with housework and could really use your help.”
Get the difference?
Remember, “I” statements allow your spouse to hear you without feeling attacked and show that you are taking ownership of your emotions.
Again, you’re creating an environment for collaboration rather than blame. . . starting to see a trend here?
Listen to Learn
In a previous blog post, I wrote about the three types of listeners, and only ONE was a winner. This is the one.
If you show that you are genuinely curious and have a willingness to listen to learn, it can quickly change the relationship with your spouse.
Think about it this way: When you ask questions to better understand your spouse's perspective, the temperature changes from potential arguments to productive dialog.
Here’s an example: Instead of assuming your spouses intentions, ask this question: “Can you help me understand what you were thinking when (fill in the blank) happened?”
Now, here’s the trick: when you ask a question like this, something will happen; they might OPEN UP AND START TALKING TO YOU! When this happens, practice ACTIVE LISTENING. I wrote a post on active listening that will teach you how to become the listener of all listeners!
Here are a few quick tips: Make eye contact when listening and speaking, nod when necessary, and, here’s an important one: try your hardest to AVOID INTERRUPTING OR PLANNING TO RESPOND.
Final Thoughts
Remember that every couple faces challenges and frustrations; it’s normal! What matters is how we choose to handle these moments when they come.
