My Wife Says I Don’t Listen. Learn How to Listen When It Matters Most: The 3 Types of Listeners. . .Only 1 is a Winner.
One of the most significant challenges couples face is the misinterpretation of each other’s words and feelings. Men tend to perceive women’s emotional expressions as overreactions, while women might see men’s straightforwardness as a lack of depth or empathy.
These misunderstandings can lead to feelings of alienation and resentment, creating a cycle that’s hard to break.
Communication is like the motor oil in a car.
Without it, you aren’t going to get very far before the engine blows.
When communication breaks down, it can feel like a wall has been built between partners, leading to additional conflict and disconnection.
So, how can couples bridge this gap and connect more effectively?
Men, here are the 3 types of listeners we can choose to be when communicating with our spouses.
The first type of listener is those who Listen to Respond. We’ve all been there. You find yourself in the middle of an argument, and while your wife is speaking, you’re half listening, and at the same time, you’re making a list of all the things you are going to say back just as soon as you get the chance. You think you’re ready with the perfect response, exactly what she needs to hear. Kapow! You deliver your response with passion, dedication, and gusto, thinking, “I did it. I know this will make things better!” As soon as you’re done, you can see the look on your spouse’s face, and without a doubt, you think, “Where did I go wrong? She looks even more upset now.” . . and you would be right. Now, all of a sudden, the issue has changed from the original issue to a list of reasons she’s frustrated with how you weren’t listening to what she was saying.
Tip: When listening to respond, you avoid being present and could miss valuable information your wife shares.
Be present in the moment and get out of your own head.
The second type of listener is those who Listen to Fix. You come home from work, and your wife immediately tells you about her day. Her work is piling up, she got another call from one of the kid’s teachers about your kid’s misbehaving, her best friend didn’t like one of her Facebook posts, you got another fine from your HOA for leaving the trash cans out, too long, and she’s stressed about what everyone will wear to the family photo’s next week. You jump into damage control mode and respond with a solution for each problem, thinking that you can fix it all by telling her exactly what to do and even throwing in a “Look, now you know for next time.” OOPS! You’re confused when she says, “I don’t need you to fix everything. Why aren’t you listening?!”
Tip: As men, we tend to compartmentalize threats and identify solutions as a survival method. It’s how our brains are wired.
Every problem does not need a solution.
The third type of listener is those who Listen to Learn. Our wives need to feel protected and provided for. When your wife feels frustrated, anxious, or angry, she’s looking to you for safety. That’s why listening to respond and listening to fix can sometimes lead to bigger disagreements and confusion. Here’s how to “listen to learn.”
Step 1. When your wife is talking to you, be present in the moment.
Step 2. Remember that every problem doesn’t need a solution.
Step 3. Validate the type of listener your wife needs you to be in the moment. Ask these two questions: “What kind of listener would you like me to be? Do you want me to help fix or do you want me to listen to learn to understand better how you’re feeling?”
By understanding and respecting the different ways men and women communicate, you can transform potential conflicts into opportunities for connection. Embrace the “3 types of listers” strategy to enhance your relationship and truly connect with your wife when it matters most. Remember, it’s not just about what you say; it’s about how you say it and what kind of listener your wife needs you to be. Go get em!
